he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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