he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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