I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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