Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
