I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
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And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
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Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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