Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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