I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
