My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
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The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
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There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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