Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
