I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
