god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
