Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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