the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
