Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
