how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
