Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
