matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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