I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
