I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
