I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
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Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
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I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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