I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
