I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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