how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
the condom got lost in my hair
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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