Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
