hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
