She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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