the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
