New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
