You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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