My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
my penis made a compromise with my morals
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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