I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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