I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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