i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
