why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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