It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
