a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
