my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
