i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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