before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
