A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
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What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
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Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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