how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
