he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Randomize
