see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
