you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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