Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
