I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Randomize
