mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
