I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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