I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
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