You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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