I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
