let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
