xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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