when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
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He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
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New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
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