you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
