Umm I'm too high to move.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
