So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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