I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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