Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
