Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
