Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Randomize
