Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
